“Owning a People Carrier is the same as being castrated”
On hearing that a friends new Astra has traction control permanently enabled, which means that under no circumstances can you make the wheels spin, Gary's comment on this 'drawback', was "How are you going to impress schoolgirls then?”.
“If you get bored with your car, just change the wheels and you will like it again. It saves you money!”.
“Don’t ask “What do you do?”, ask “What do you drive?”"
“Buses are for people of a lower social status than myself”
“You can't have more doors than wheels, can you”.
On acquiring new wheels for his car: “My life has meaning, now I've got my new 16 inch alloy wheels”.
On hearing that Barry was going to buy his daughter a violin; “You should upgrade your indicators first, I did on my Peugeot”.
“Not unscrewing your number plate to clean behind it is like not washing behind your ears”.
“My car was never designed for large boot space. As long as you can get your toothpaste and a spare pair of pants in there, you’re alright”.
“I don’t need boot space because I walk to the shops and I never spend more than 10 pounds”.
“On hearing that his car is going to be stuck at the garage over the weekend: "It seems a bit pointless hiring a car, just so I can clean it”.
“I'd rather sit in a coffin than a Nissan Micra"
"Owning my computer is like running an old car - if it goes down, I'll scrap it and get a new one"
“You shouldn't trust a woman with bigger feet than yourself”
“Doesn't your girlfriend make you dress up as a German tourist?”
“I’m not sure about hugging, I never understood the point of it”.
“You don’t want an intelligent woman - there’s nothing worse than an intelligent woman!”
“It's no good pulling a 50 grand year bird if she spends 60 grand a year!”
“You’re going to the pub on Thursday? I might be shagging, in which case I can’t come.”
“The advantage of living on your own, rather than in a shared house, is that you can bring an ugly bird back.”.
“When a girl calls you "Sweet" its time to go home”.
“The trouble is I never seem to end up with the 50 grand a year birds”.
On realising that he didn’t have any Valentine Cards: “I could just get my Christmas cards out and put them up on the window sill. The neighbours wouldn’t be able to see the fronts through the window so they wouldn’t know”.
“I wouldn't want to pull a fat bird”
"If I meet someone at work I know they’ve been N**tel Vetted (by my Company), so they must be a nice person, but if I meet them in a nightclub they could be anyone.”
“Breasts ... where!”
“The total value of the food in my kitchen can't be more then 15 pounds"
"Surely, if McDonalds can supply a good wholesome meal for under a fiver ...".(This sentence was never completed owing to helpless laughter)
"Real men don’t eat korma”
“What? You want a chicken korma? Are you gay?”
“I always forget to squeeze my lemon”.
“You can't avoid burgers”.
“You shut down McDonalds ? [Simon once worked for environmental health], ... Where did you eat? ”.
“We’re going out for a posh meal tonight - Pizza Hut”.
“I'll have Bombay Potatoes as there's no chips”.
“If you took a girl out and ordered a Korma you'd be laughed at”.
“If you're a vegetarian you can just have the vegetables and the chicken”.
On realising that he had bought some plums into a meeting, with 'ripen in 2-3 days' written on them: "Well I thought it was going to be a long meeting”.
“Real men don’t drink wine”.
"My house is sophisticated", "In what sense?", "It's got plates"
"The only things you'll find in my kitchen drawers are saws, drills and screwdrivers"
“The only reason I have a fridge is because people would think you a bit weird if you didn't have one”.
“There's no danger of cross-contamination in my fridge..., ... you need more than one item in it for that”.
“I can't be ill for more than two days, because I run out of food”.
“As it’s the Jubilee, we should be drinking Café au Lait”.
“I’m young free and single and have no idea when to take my holiday”
“On a seven day holiday I can only pull 6 women, in case there's something good on telly one night”.
"Pulling on your first day is as bad as not pulling till your last day, because then you have to spend all week entertaining them"
“You want there to be a traffic jam when you go on holiday to Southend… Otherwise it is too short a journey up the sea front for everybody to see your car and wheels”.
"It’s either a holiday or a new set of alloy wheels. I think I’ll just buy the wheels and sit and look at them.”
On hearing about Kevin running a sweepstake on his motorcycle racing finishing position to fund his racing. “That’s a bit like me wanting to go on holiday and paying for it with a sweepstake on how many times I score”.
“I’d stand more chance of pulling a fat bird with big feet if I had a different car”.
While discussing the TV "docu-soap" on Jordan (a fake-tanned “page 3” girl): “She’s not just a pair of tits…… she’s got a nice car as well”.
“I like to do something different when I go out with a girl. I don’t like to take my car to bits with the girlfriend”.
“You couldn’t pull a fat bird in this”. (Whilst getting into Richard’s car with tight fitting bucket seats)
"Wives are going the same way as UK manufacturing industry - you get a better deal if you go to the far East!"
“You don't want to go to Ecuador! They eat people there!”
“Costa Rica? Is that in Spain?”
“Albania is like Harlow, but with more Mercedes”.
“Japanese and English are very similar languages. “McDonalds” is the same word in both”
“You're better off having a house round here [Stortford/Harlow] than in Southampton, because if you lose you job, you can't commute into the sea”.
“Do you get immigrants in Wales?”.
“Wales is just a holiday camp in England.”
“Canada sounds an awful place to live: you can't use your alloy wheels in winter”.
“Do they have cars in Ethiopia?”.
“Canada is a big place”.
On hearing that most people find their mate through work: “If I turned homosexual it would improve my chances”.
“You only want what you can't have”.
"If you go to B&Q (the DIY shop) together - that's serious."
"Women who come into my kitchen tend to view me as a project"
"You can't be going out with a woman who has a 14 inch television!"
"You can't mean you'd spend more on your wedding than on a car?!"
"The only reason you dance is to pull.”
“Were going for some upper class women tonight..., We're going to Hoddeson”.
"If I had an island to myself, getting an ex-Bunnygirl wouldn’t be a problem”.
On hearing that it’s difficult to get horses to mate, “Can’t you just put paper bags over their heads ?”.
Re: Vegetarians? “Before you go out with a girl, you can make sure she's got meat in her trolley”.
“You wouldn’t buy a family pack of anything”.
“Impulse buying can get a bit dodgy on the internet"
"I'm a bit worried about Planks constant”.
On saying why he didn't enjoy the local premier of the latest film: Matrix II: “It seemed disjointed between the beginning and the end, and it didn't help that I fell asleep in the middle”. He snored loudly.
“I nearly bought her [audio CD] album. I don't know what she sounds like, but I've heard that she's the new Britney!" [On later questioning, he was talking about Britney's appearance.
"You've not got a video? Not having a video is like not having an inside toilet.”
"Who's Colin Powell? That's the problem now we don't have Spitting Image, you don't know who any of these people are..”
“My life’s at a complete loss now that Big Brother has finished”.
When someone said Gazza should watch less TV he said: "Yes but (then) you go to the theatre a lot, which is the same thing”.
“You don’t watch Soaps? What on earth to you do with your time?”
“I can't come to the pub on Thursday, I'm sorting out my sock drawer"
They can't have had carpets when they invented dogs”.
“I am too young to own a greenhouse”.
“Not owning a video is like not having an inside toilet”
"The only difference between dogs and children is that you don't have to tie your children up outside when you visit people."
“Trainers will last for years if you just sit and watch EastEnders in them”
“You spent 3 grand on a new kitchen? You could have had a Philipino for that”
“You're very sad, I can tell you didn't have a Scalectrix when you were younger!”
“Watch TV on Saturday? I've got better things to do: Blind Date's just about to come on!”
“What about Muslims ? Do they speak Latin ?”
Re Health - colds and congestion: “What's that steam thing you do with your head ?”
“There's always a Looney on the bus, and if there isn't, it has to be you”
“I only know about things that start with a letter near the beginning of the alphabet, because my mother only had room on the bookshelf for half the volumes of the encyclopaedia”
“If you were a horse, posh spice would ride you”.
"I walked to the gym in Stortford, but when I got there I was too tired, so I went home"
Re current financial situation in our industry: “What happened in 1929? ”.
Re the Gulf War: "British tanks don't work in the heat because they were designed for the Cold War"